Good-Bye

My ex had a sister. She rocked, God rest her soul. She and I would cut through all of the bullshit anyone was throwing at us, and we would size them up, find their weaknesses and strengths, and if we decided we liked them, they were safe. If we did not like them, then we would have a field day. It was fun. We kept that shit to ourselves, however, trying not to hurt anyone, but, just sometimes, not really caring if we did. I was 27 and still immature.

I shared that same type of relationship with that sister's daughter. At least when she was a teenager and I was a part of her life. Since then she has grown up and become a woman. I, however, continued to think of her as the same person I knew 20 years ago. That was my down fall. I let the affection I once had for her and her mother blindside me. I forgot that the acts of life causes our filters to change and we become different people. It is human nature. We must evolve and change in this life time.

A couple years ago, my ex's first husband passed away. He had never been a kind man to me. I cannot hold him at fault for this. He had good reasons to not be kind to me. I did fuck his wife, after all. She then proceeded to leave him and marry me. And, least we forget, I was an open gay man in midtown America. Yea, his wife left him for the town fag. That had hurt on more than one level.

He would take his frustrations out on me in unusual ways. I remember standing in the veggie isle at the corner store just down from our house on 5 East Powell. I am looking at some canned need, when all of a sudden a can of Campbell's Tomato Bisque whizzes past my head. Following the trajectory to the point of its origin, I see jaded lover.

When he passed, I was contacted by a mutual friend. The details were not pretty. He had a GI bleed. He was dead before he could get his car out of the drive way. The ex had to go over and clean up, yet one more time, the mess that he had made. I know she did this so their son would not have to see the horror that it must have been.

My mistake in this story was my contacting my niece and treating her as if our relationship was the same. I was very unkind in my words about his passing. Though not an excuse, I understand now that it was a reaction of the pent up pain I had related to his demanding that I not be allowed to see their son after our divorce. I was told that money won out, and since she needed the child support she was going to follow his wishes and she would not allow me any further contact. I blamed both of them for many years. It has taken me a long time to see my part in this trailer park play. I should have let the past lie in the past and kept my opinions to myself. I didn't, and though I am sorry for the pain I cause, I am actually OK with the outcome. The niece told my ex what I said. The ex contacted me and unloaded a verbal rant. It was very interesting to be able to step back and watch myself react to the words. “I wished it had been you. It should have been you dead in that pool of blood. I wish, oh God, I wish it were. You are dead to me. I never want to hear your voice again.”

I have made no efforts to contact her and I have no plans to do so. Though the ends do not justify the means, I like the idea of all ties being broken. And, with that thought, we come back full circle to the niece. She contacted me today saying that she will be in SF and wanted to know if I would have time to see her. We have not communicated since his death. She emailed me via facebook. She hit 'replay' to the original offending email. So not only seeing her name in my inbox, but also seeing the evidence of my crime caused me to have a rush of feelings this evening. I felt it necessary to say my peace. I did so by replying to the email. I told her what her actions had caused, her aunt being hurt needlessly, and, that though I am ultimately to blame for that hurt, she to holds responsibility for forwarding the information and for breaking my trust. I told her that I was not able to see her and I wished her a life of happiness. Another era comes to an end as I separate myself further and further from my past.