I Am What I Am

OK, I have to admit it.  I am a man.  No matter if some of the stereotypes of being a man offends me, I still have to readily admit that I am not above some of those stereotypes and that I am, well, a man.

The two stereotypes that I see in myself regularly are that men are overly competitive and overly sexual.  Within me there is the 13 year old boy [he controls my competitive nature] and the 39 year old man [he controls my dick and is watchful for all those that would interfere with said appendage's fun].  Start playing in either one of their said boxes, and either will come out without any governance.

To my point, I asked Steve, my ex-partner, if he would pick up the new dishwasher I had just purchased. He fell over himself to be johnny-on-the-spot-helpful, and agreed. The morning of, he called to asked if I was going to meet him at the store. I said that our friend Ben had canceled and that he could just pick me up.  Steve hesitated and said that he couldn't because he 'would not be alone'.  

"Ooooo, who you gonna have with you?"

"Jamie is visiting."

I got genuinely excited.  I knew very little about the man named Jamie, but I knew that Steve had visited him over the summer and that if Steve liked him, he was probably good people.   

I got to the store early.  I got the hot [and I mean HOT] young sales associate to get the machine pulled and out to the curb, and then Steve's truck pulls up. Steve hoped out.  And, then, "He" got out...  


My thoughts, stated in order of appearance:

• Damn, he looks just dad
• Shit, he's hot
• Damn, his hand shake is as strong as a longshoreman's
• Shit, he's hot

Queue insecurities. Queue the 39 year old Kirk.

Jamie asks "How are you?" I nod to the sales associate and say, as if we just agreed to be married in Tahoe that next weekend, "Hell, I am great! I got a new dishwasher and the hottest man in the store to help me carry it."  [Sales Associate looked at me as if he were going to cut me].  Sales Associate and I lifted the dishwasher onto the truck. Sales Associate fled the scene. The rest of us headed to my house in two separate vehicles.  

I had to stop by the bank.  I then got held up by traffic.  This left Steve and Hunk-O-Matic at my place for at least 10 minutes before I arrived. When I finally did arrive, I got out of my car and I saw with a great dread and certain displeasure that Steve and the Man O' Steel had not unloaded and hauled my new device up the stairs. I then realized that the mating dance would have to leave my head and enter the physical world.

Steve: "What's the plan?"

Me: "I take it up stairs."

Silence

Hot Newcomer: "What's my job?"

In my head: "You have failed miserably at your job. If I had been be in your shoes I would have already had it unloaded, up the stairs and I'd be halfway back to Steve's house." 
Out of my mouth: "Oh, nothing, I got this." 
In my head: "Kirk, you are an idiot.  He has longshoreman arms and probably lifts heavy things all day long.  You are a queen and can hardly lift an eyebrow.  LET HIM HELP."

In my head reply to me: "Fuck you kirk"

Steve and I unload.

Steve: "You want me to walk the stairs backwards?"

In my head:  "I got 20 years on you and 10 years of knowing you, why are you asking a dumb ass question, of course I want you to do the hard lift."

Out of my mouth: " Oh, no buddy, I got it.  Hey did I tell you I'm going rock climbing this weekend.  Decided to get back to spending lots of time out doors instead of just staying at home and creating software solutions for the problems we've been having at work."

Steve's left eyebrow raised.

First turn, then first 10 steps up.

Man who is intimidating the hell out of me: "A, Kirk, you doing alright there?"

Out of my mouth as the pain receptors start to burn out in my brain: "What? Why you askin? I got this no problem.  Easer that helping Rich move last weekend.  We had 6 sofas to carry up 4 flights of stairs and we did it in 30 minutes.  Had to get the rental truck back."

We made the first landing. I glanced at Steve. He was looking at me like, "What the hell are you doing?" I knew that in his mind he was thinking, "Why are you lying?  You already told me you spent 24 of the 48 hours of last weekend in the hot tubs at the Korean baths with Mr Chin scrubbing your ass and Mr Lo polishing your nails." But he kept his comments to himself.  After dating me he knew a useless battle when he saw one.

I refused to rest at the landing and we head up the final onslaught of stairs.  I felt what was either the first endorphin I had ever felt in my young queer life, or, the peaking of a jealous rage. I was not sure which. I did know that there was no stopping me at that point. Hell, high water or death would be the only events for whch I would allow myself to show any weaknesses at that point.

As I placed my foot on the last landing, it started to shake.  I was reminded of the old black and white footage of Elvis, or, of what the needle on a seismograph must look like during a 9.0.

Mr-I'm-in-the-music-business-and-own-a-home-in-Nantucket: "A, Kirk, you doing ok?  How much further?"

In my head: "Will be as soon as your plane takes off in a day or two?"

Out of my mouth: "We're here, man, you don't have to worry about climbing any more stairs. Come on in."

Steve and Mighty Arms navigate through the front door and the kitchen while I eliminate some imagined items blocking the path. In reality I was desperately seeking my lost pulmonary capacity.  I thanked them both, pushed them out the door telling them I had to run cause my new part-time job as a tow truck driver started in a couple hours.

I suck at being cool during fits of insecurity.  And, I would love to say that at least since this latest instance I haven't had to wash another dish, but, I cannot.  Seems I have to find a faucet adapter locally or I have to order one.  I'll bet Handsome Longshoreman probably had a faucet adapter in his suitcase, or has a brother-in-law here in town who owns a hardware store that specializes in GE faucet adapters....ooooh or probably has an ex-husband who makes them with his bare hands on the weekend just for fun while he and his buddies sit around telling He Man type stories about their youth.....