A Propositional Paper Stating Cause, Effect and Harm
Admittedly, I am as gay as the next man. I am old. I am an American. I am also fat, educated, and free of diseases. Some would argue my cognition can be questioned, but, truly, I have no sense of senility, dementia or dogma. I am just one of the many Average Joes in this fine country. Perhaps being an Average Joe may explain why I am having a problem understanding the substantial change that has occurred in The Gay World over the past 35 years. The change has been subtle but constant. It has perpetuated itself with the assistance of most if not all sectors of American society, but specifically, being edged on by mainstream America, and it has become so deeply buried into our gay psyche that I fear we are fast approaching the point of no return. Stating the genesis, the change, the effects and the harm are but my toil.
Background: When I returned from my first trip to NYC it was 1979 and I fell out of the closet. I could no longer deny what I had come to understand about myself as a person, as a young adult, and as a man. I had no plans on who I was going to love or when I was going to love someone, but I suppose I did at least have an idea as to how I was going to love him. Most of The Gay World was mysterious to me, and I had no mentors, but, I soon found the tribe and I was welcomed.
More Background: I have always been defined as fat, either by others, or, as I am now, by myself. I have not always been defined as handsome by others, as I am now, by myself. In those early years of being gay identified, finding lovers [read: tricks] was difficult for me. I thought the difficulty was due to my looks, and specifically my weight. Looking back now I know that it was due more to the size of my home town than the size of my ass. But, I do not discount the discrimination I felt due to being bigger than the average homo. This discrimination was harsh, unloving [as all discrimination is], and it had substantial detriment to my image of self and my well being [as all discrimination does]. The discrimination was ever present. It was also, however, controllable, but, I had no way of knowing this. I did not know the power that I had.
At some point, I began noticing that there were times when I did not feel this difference, this discrimination. There were people who sought me out specifically for my size and my appearance. There were men who would pass every young, handsome, Madison Avenue built homo in the bar, and reach out to me. They were determined. They were friendly. They were rare. And I never met one who took the first six no's as a definite answer. They were the Chubby Chasers. God how I miss them.
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| Taken from halfpint34's flicker page |
Now don't get me wrong. I am well aware there are gay men today who find men of size attractive. Those men define themselves as Chasers. They are a different bred than the Chubby Chaser of yore. The Chubby Chaser has evolved into this type of Chaser and that is the difference I am writing about in this paper.
Today's American Chasers do not chase. It has been bred out of their DNA. They still have the ability to identify, sexually objectify, and skillfully mate with a gay fat man, but, the mating ritual has devolved. There are still Chubby Chasers to be found in the world, but the US breed has died off and their closest relatives are in Europe. Mostly Italy. God do the Italians know how to chase a fat man.
Post-Stonewall, the American Chubby Chaser had limited opportunities for mating. The identified gay fat herd had been small in numbers since time immemorium, and with a very large percentage of gay men learning to fear weight gain[1] once Judy died[2] the numbers of overweight gay men declined even more. It was evolution that caused the Chubby Chaser to begin to adapt to the new social landscape.
The Chubby Chaser had to change it's mating habits or face total annihilation. And then, when at the brink of a mass migration to Europe, the bear movement began in the United States. This movement allowed for a rapid expansion of not only the gay man's waist size, but also the total raw numbers of eligible fat men. These two events, the near sexual starvation of the Chubby Chaser and then the rapid explosion of fat gay men willing and able to breed caused the phenom we see today in the American Chaserless Chaser.
Chubby Chasers use to be nonstop in their pursuits. When they found a fat gay man, they continually followed, hounded, flirted, and harassed, until they won their chance to mate[3]. Over and over and over again and again and again the onslaught kept coming. Every weekend at the bar, every time you passed in the bathroom at Sears, every time you were in the bushes by the river, there he was, the Chubby Chaser. He would ply you with stories of hope. He would make promises of great meals. He would offer weekends out of town. He was a never ending invitation to sex. At the time I found them most difficult to deal with. What I wouldn't give to meet one tonight when I go out.
The American Chaserless Chaser, on the other hand, knows far to well that there are plenty of fat gay men today and that with minimal effort they can secure a date/trick/fuck. With Growlr and Craigslist the Lone Star and Bear Bucks, all they have to do is show up and soon someone will show an interest and the game is a foot. No need to be inventive. No need to pay a lot of attention to any one fatty. Just wait, and the next fat man will soon be by.
Today's Chaser is often socially awkward and shy. I had never met a socially awkward and shy Chubby Chaser until 1996 at Lazy Bear. I wasn't sure what I was seeing. This strange young man who would look at me with longing in his eyes, but would turn his head or run to the other end of the pool whenever I smiled at him. I was totally thrown by his responses and actions. I was very perplexed by the situation. Since that time, that type of young man, the first documented Chaserless Chaser, has become more the norm than the exception.
America is a place where Chasers don't chase and fat men are accepting of this. I am saddened and confused, hell, I am many things, but, the most concerning to me is that I am not hopeful. I think I need a hero. Is it more wrong to long for the past or to simply accept the present? I think I need a hero. Is it wrong to wish for a romantic to come along and restore my faith in the Chasedom. I think I need a hero. Is it wrong to long for someone who wants/desires/needs a whole lot of man. I think I need...
a Chubby Chaser.
[1] Fags were the ones to make going to the gym cool. When gay men headed to the gym in the early 80's to develop the masculine body their sexual desires demanded, straight women in the early 90's demanded that their mating partners do the same. Women were pissed that there were hot guys all around them but not at all interested in them sexually. It was the gay man who brought on the commercialization of the neighborhood gym.
[2] Stonewall Riots began immediately after the death and during the morning period of Judy Garlin.
[3] Rent "The Ritz". It's a cliché, but it is an accurate portrait
I'll cross-post:
ReplyDeleteHa.
A few points:
1. It was not bred out. it was taught out. When i came onto the scene in 1998, it was quickly notable that chasing was a bad thing. Fat men told me incessantly about the annoying chaser who was all about him, and wanting to fuck him, and wanting this and wanting that. They were all want, all incessant, objectifying, desiring want. They never stuck around after the sex, and maybe that's a separate issue, but it was always connected: He chased me all over the world and after he had me, he moved on. My generation of chaser (which is not the current one (we'll get to that)) was taught to be more subtle, more patient, and jump before leaping. I know I have been teased for there being years between seeing and playing - I wait until it seems the right thing to do, not just when my dick jumps up.
2. The current generation of chaser (the 22 year old to my 31 year old) faces a very different world socially. Gone is the dalliance in the dark. gone is the one-off that you never hear about again, gone is the sense of things being independently experienced. Now it is all everywhere - because of not just the Web, and not even Web 2.0, but now it's nearly Web 3.0 - in the Web, you found them, in the Web 2.0 you connected with them, and now in the Web 3.0, you basically live with them. You meet them, maybe have sex, maybe not, add them to facebook, and suddenly your life and their life are deeply connected (the perception anyway.) In this bit, sex does not become...unimportant, but the urgency diminishes if not dissapears entirely. You figure that you'll always have time and you enjoy what is happening without the pressure of what could happens next. You figure that you'll wait and see.
3. the abundance of men changes everything. The europeans have not experienced this - I was there for three weeks and saw one fat man on the street. I go to work each AM and see many, most of whom I can them located on facebook or growlr, or I can just wait til the next birthday party in the community, and run into them there. I also know them already in a sense, cause i slept with their friend, or they know me from online and so on. The world has gone postmodern, where the past, present and future all live in the same person all the time, and so the narrative of "find, see, bag and tag them" holds no thrill - you can do nothing and get endless stimulation without the messiness of actual sex.
4. At least in my generation, there is also another side effect. Now that we get to know fat men all the time via all the services and/or our daily lives, we have discovered something: although all fat men are hot, some of them we connect heavily and some we connect less heavily. Some we recognize are fun lays, but the interconnectedness of the world and thus the social repercussions of sleeping with people, and our awareness that another fat man is much more compatible with/connected to/hearted by/desired by us, and other factors all lead men to a cost/benefit analysis unheard of in the past: Is sleeping with this guy really what I want? I can just chat him, or look at his photos at the various sites, or just flirt? I could just wait until i get to know him more so i can decide if he's really what I want? I could spend time with him, but that means not spending time with X, and X is really much better fit for me, so......"
Lastly, a story: A friend of mine jokes that he's going to create a website called creepychaser.com, which will be a list of all the creepy chaser actions that he sees/hears about/experiences. Many of the things you describe, this younger chubby guy, would list as "creepy." Why is this guy all over me? he barely knows me and he wants all in me? Can't he just talk to me? Why doesn't he take no for an answer? He's just taking advantage of guys with low self-esteem? I have a boyfriend and even though we are open, this creepy chaser won't stop touching my butt. I didn't ask him to do that!?
ReplyDeleteSo yeah, the world has changed, and it's fun to hear someone talk about the change negatively, because up to now, every time i heard about the world changing, it's been a better thing.
First: great piece! Second: I am not sure this perception is entirely limited to the notion of Chubby Chasing. I sometimes worry that older folks in general are "out of fashion" (as if they ever were “in”). I am sensitive to this since I've always been with guys older than me and know what my partners have felt at times; now, as I am getting older am I actually partnered with someone "my own age." Not talking the "daddy" trip here either, btw.
ReplyDeleteChanges afoot at some clubs in SF worried me of discrimination against certain types. I will not name names here but there is at least one SOMA bar that used to be the home of "bears" and generally burly, sometimes older guys. It was a comfortable place, home for many. But new owners and times have steadily whittled that away to the point where most bearish guys I know don't go there anymore. Said one former established regular there recently "its not a bear bar anymore.... I don't know what it is anymore..."
To your point about the changes in how people meet others, yes I think the old school methods are all but extinct... many "shop" online. But I’m not convinced it’s the only or best way to meet people. I met my current partner the old way -- introduced by a mutual friend on near Bear Bucks, but we consummated our mutual interest in one another online via Bear411.
Something I think has impacted the "scene" more came from within.... when I first was introduced to the world of bears and such, it was a breath of fresh air... prior to this the only way I knew of meeting guys in a bar was either at a piano bar (sweaters, showtunes, a place where high camp martini-fueled bitchiness prevailed) or gay bars that catered to a stylized twink crowd (disco divas, drugs, etc.). I was never much on street cruising and never did bathhouses and toilets and such. Walking into aforementioned bear bar for the first time in the early 90s I was blown away: here was a place playing edgy rock music and obscure pop, not disco… jeans and flannel were the closest thing to uniforms and everyone was accepted as equal.... "I Am What I Am" was the prevailing mantra. Be who you are.
But then aforementioned disco drug divas wanted in on the fun but couldn't face being seen with fat furry people. Enter the "Muscle Bear." Fueled by steroids and gym memberships, Muscle Bears delivered disdain for anyone that didn't look or act like them. A rude bunch, mostly. Chubby men jumped ship first, forming weekly events like Planet Big. Happily, curiously, Muscle Bears gave way to "Cubs" who didn't even want the muscle bears necessarily it seems that many aging muscle bears have either moved to Ft. Lauderdale or Palm Springs.
Happily & steadily, bear folks are heading back to The Castro. Friday Happy Hour at The Midnight Sun often feels more like the old bear bar in its heyday -- flirty, fun, frisky and friendly. The redesigned Edge is now a popular meeting place for people of all sizes and ages. And The 440 has chilled out on alienating older and bigger guys to the point where its (gasp) almost fun again (as it was when it was called Daddys). Genuine old school bears and big guys are now reforming their community on Thursday happy hour gatherings over coffee, drinks and snacks at Cafe Flore on Market Streemt
Things are changing and we can ride the wave of change instead of feeling put out. It does involve getting out and not relying entirely online. That alone gives me some hope.
What is my point of all this.... I guess it is about hope. I AM hopeful. Change isn't easy. But frequently change can be good and as sad as I am over the de-bear-if-i-cation of my once beloved old SOMA bear bar (and sad over The Eagle's passing, but that is another story entirely) I am happy knowing other places like The Hole in the Wall live on and The Castro is being reclaimed for a new generation of fun and frolic. This is a good thing.
Well, it also has to do with bear culture as it has formed. I do about as well at Lonestar as your average bear does at Badlands. Not encouraging.
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